Amazon Women and the Avocado of Doom
This poem, originally published in Wilde Times in 2005, is reprinted in Brushfires, my new book of poetry.
In the comic book, they had impossibly long legs,
very large antigravitational breasts (one each),
and eyes as big as their breasts should have been.
Young boys turned past pages advertising
inexpensive microscopes and books that explained
how to date girls, looking for more panels featuring
In reality, they hurried over the bumpy
olive-green surface, darting quick glances
over their muscular shoulders. The terrain was slippery
where there were bad spots in the fruit. They had to steady
themselves with their hands, but didn’t fall, and kept arrows
at the ready.
In the comic book, they got into the sort of trouble
from which only a handsome man could extricate them.
Inexplicably, the most beautiful of the Amazons
would fall for their dashing savior. In the next issue
she is single once more and ready to be rescued
all over again.
In reality, there were no rescuers, and they had to do
all the saving for themselves. In this summer,
it was 100° in the shade, and there was no shade.
The avocado got pretty ripe, I can tell you, along
In the comic book, trees grew and flocks of goats roamed
on the golf-turf-like surface of the giant fruit.
A handsome man wearing tight spandex
in bold colors and possessing peculiar powers
flew in from another comic book to save the day….
In reality, the weather in August was unseasonably hot
and the flesh of the fruit darkened and softened.
In the comic book, they all lived to fight another day
(remember that it was all written for small boys).
They sank beneath the surface, thrashing in futility,
mud flowing into their open mouths,
choking soundless screams.
They slogged through hip-deep mud and
barely made it to a waiting Blackhawk helicopter.
piloted by Captain America’s good-looking brother.
Signed copies of the book will be available from me in about a week. Pristine copies are already available at GenreMall.com for $5.90 plus two dollars shipping and handling (listed under "new items").