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Are you my mother?

Mama was reincarnated as a rhino last week. This really sucks. She won't fit through any of the doors, so she sleeps in the carport. I don't like hugging her now, because her skin is so hard and dry. It is like grandma's hands were last winter when she ran out of hand lotion – G-double r-gross! And, she can't drive me to soccer practice, so I have to wait for Leslie. She's so busy with her "singing career" (ha ha) she always forgets to pick me up and I get home late.

It was great though when Rodney was teasing me at the bus stop, pulling my hair and trying to pinch me. He makes me so mad! His arms are longer, so I can never pinch him back. But this time Mama came running across the road from our house. The ground was shaking and everything. Rodney wet his pants, when all she did was knock him down with the side of her head. When Selena's brother came back as a Jaguar, and some guy from Central High was bothering her, her brother ATE him. I mean, even ate his shoes. He is still locked up, but it was so worth it. The guy came back as a banana slug. What a loser!

Another time, a parade was going by and I couldn't see anything. She let me ride on her back and then I could see really well. There was a giraffe in the way. When she told it to move I thought they were going to fight and I was really scared. Giraffes are big!

But mostly it's a real pain. Like when we wanted to go to the drive-through at Wendy's, but Leslie didn't have any money and mom wasn't there because she doesn't fit in the car anymore. So all we had was leftover macaroni and cheese, and that is really yucky the second day. All she said was "you can cook if you don't like it."

If Mom dies again, maybe she will come back as something cuddlier. I hope it happens soon.

The end

Publ. in The Simian Transcript, 2010