Wild Fire
I
must be very careful around open flames. I read a story once by Roger
Zelazny, in which natives of a certain place had blood that burned on
contact with the air. How did THAT evolve? Now I find myself hoping
that my initial skepticism was misplaced.
It
all started with Wally McGolly's latest invention. You know Wally,
his exploits were popularized (under another name) by the historian
R. A. Lafferty. Anyway, Wally ran into me at the supermarket and told
me I simply had to see his new invention.
"It
will revolutionize transportation," he told me. As a freelance
writer, I'm always looking for things like this and he knew it. Wally
lived in a second-floor apartment in a Victorian house downtown. He's
looking for a new place now, I hear, though I haven't talked to him
lately. I believe that he will not be charged with arson. Anyway, the
thing was just like all of his inventions: a hodge-podge of ordinary
objects, including a Hobart mixer, some bed springs, radio
components, and what looked like several disemboweled hand-held game
machines. And it glowed. The center of the thing was a perforate ring
of metal.
"You
crawl through that," he said. "In the production model it
will be large enough to walk through."
"What
is it?"
"A
spatial translocator of course. Right now I have it set on the
fountain in the town square." I had meant the metal ring, but
now I recognized it. It was part of the innards of an electric
washing machine.
Suffice
it to say that he talked me into trying it out. I had misgivings.
After all, who can forget the disaster last Thanksgiving when Wally
tried out his cephalic enhancer on the entire stock of Jensen's
turkey farm? I don't think the EPA will EVER let anyone back in
there. But, Wally assured me that he had thoroughly tested the thing.
What he didn't tell me was that after each test, including the last,
he had had to make minor adjustments to the settings….
I
started to crawl through the ring.
"Anything
in your pockets?" he asked.
"Sure.
My keys, wallet, the usual. Why?"
"Better
empty them. The field reacts with metal."
"What
about my fillings?" I asked, backing out hastily.
"Don't
worry about those."
I
emptied my pockets and crawled through. I was on my hands and knees
in the fountain in front of the courthouse. That water is COLD! It
comes straight from a spring. I leaped to my feet and jumped out of
the fountain, almost landing on what appeared to be a charred pigeon
corpse. Dodging the disgusting thing, I bumped into a large city
policeman.
"What
the hell are you doing?" he growled, grabbing my arm.
"I
know I shouldn't do it," I said, "but I was tossing my keys
in the air and catching them. One time I missed." He scowled and
moved off. I hurried to the nearest pay phone, rubbing my arm and
intending to call Wally. Then I remembered. I had emptied my pockets!
What the hell. I made the call collect. He could afford it.
"Wally,"
I said. "I made it!"
"Wonderful."
he sounded relieved. "Any side effects?"
"None!
Everything is just fine. Sound as a dollar." I slapped the side
of the phone for emphasis, and I cut my palm. I looked at the cut to
see how deep it was. It was really just a scratch, but flames were
dancing over it. My hand was on fire! Hurt like crazy. "Whoa!"
I shouted, tears streaming down my cheeks.
"No
undesirable …. combustion?" Wally asked anxiously.
"You
knew," I accused, beating the flames out against my pants leg. I
flashed on an image of the charred pigeon. "And your last
subject was a pigeon. You bastard!" I heard a dial tone.
Damn
that guy! Now I live very quietly. And I stay far away from open
flames.
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