022518c

Who Can You Count On

"It wasn't the rats who started it." Jimmy's whiskers twitched as if daring anyone to challenge his statement. Of course he thought that. Of course he said it. Didn't mean it was true. But I kept mum.

Debs spat on his feet. "No one thinks it was the cats." I know how long she can go without blinking. I cleared my throat.

"So what are we going to do about it?" We had to go back out there, whether the dog was still there or not.

By this time even the dog had heard us and it charged the crack in the wall behind which we stood. It barked almost loud enough to bring the wall down, but not quite. Moron. Jimmy and Debs started throwing rocks at it, trying to bounce them off the floor and into its nostrils. Typical. If you want maturity, look to someone with a short lifespan. We are more focused. I flicked my antennae, but was ignored, as usual. The dog yipped and started pawing at its nose. Brilliant. I have never understood why mammals think they are the pinnacle of evolution. After all, they belong to the Branch whose asshole forms first. Our mouth forms first, and what do you have to do first, eat or eliminate? I rest my case. Pinnacle of evolution my hardshelled brown body! We will do this ourselves. We don't need any help.

Jimmy and Debs never saw me leave. That night, me and my posse crept out of the wall. We went to the dog. Climbed right onto the rope tied around its fat furry neck, and we commenced to eat. It wasn't bad. Too late, I realized I had said that out loud. The beast awoke and leapt to its feet, snarling. It shook itself, and most of us went flying. I didn't fly far enough. It lunged after some of the others and stepped on me. I'm tough, but one of its claws crushed my thorax. I'm not that tough. As my bodily fluids leaked out onto the floor I took comfort in the thought of my numerous offspring, many of whom were looking out through cracks in the walls. They were waiting for the dog to sleep again. Waiting for me. And who knows, she who has the honor of consuming me may already be gravid with my grandchildren.

Blattidae über alles!