Saturday, September 24, 2016

Bad Roberta's Baby Brother

Bad Roberta's Baby Brother

One day, Bad Roberta's parents had a worried conference after Bad Roberta had gone to bed. "I have very bad news," said Bad Roberta's mother.
"What's that?" her father asked.
"We're going to have another baby."

"Aieeeeeeeeee!!!!!!" screamed Bad Roberta's father.

"Wait, dear," his wife said, "think for a minute. There can't be TWO children as bad as Bad Roberta."

He thought about it. "That's true. Our next child will probably be an angel. It will have to be, to put up with Bad Roberta."

Time passed, and eventually Bad Roberta's mother had a baby. The new baby was a boy, and they named it Gerald. Bad Roberta liked having a baby brother. He was fun to play with. He could play baseball (he played second base). He could play with dolls (he was a mountain plagued by earthquakes). He could even play tic-tac-toe (his tummy was the board). He was also useful for holding doors open, and he was great fun in mud puddles. Bad Roberta's mother said "You can never play with Gerald again!" and she took him away.

"Spoilsport!" grumbled Bad Roberta.

Even if she couldn't play with Gerald, Bad Roberta found him convenient. He kept her parents busy, so they paid less attention to what she was doing. She could eat a whole jar full of cookies, and make a scale model of the Eiffel Tower out of flour and water on the dining room table and they didn't even notice. They weren't getting much sleep, so they were too tired to tell her to go to bed. She saw a lot more horror movies on late-night TV! The most fun part of having a baby brother was giving him presents. Bad Roberta loved Gerald and gave him many presents. She gave him markers, raw eggs, open jam jars and honey jars, and many other toys.

"Go out and play in the yard," Bad Roberta's mother shouted. "I have to clean Gerald up again. I don't know how he gets into all this stuff!"

Bad Roberta took the sugar bowl with her, and made the ants spell "Take us to your leader!" by pouring sugar in patterns in the yard. 

When her father came home from work, he saw what the ants had written, shook his head violently, and went into the house. He didn't even notice the butter on the floor just inside the door. At least, he didn't notice it until he stepped in it! Fortunately, he was only in the hospital for a few days.

About this time, Bad Roberta became interested in science. She did a science project for school, and this was the first time she had EVER done ANY homework. Her parents were pleased, until they discovered the subject of her project: "What makes Gerald cry the loudest?" When the experiments abruptly ended, there was a tie between "taking away his favorite toy" and "waking him up with ice-cold water." The teacher was so surprised Bad Roberta turned in the project that she gave her a "B." Bad Roberta was furious, because this ruined her straight F record!

Bad Roberta tried to teach Gerald how to be bad, but he wasn't very good at it. He didn't like playing "push the china cups off the highchair lid" or "roll around in paint and then hug Mommy." But there were some good times too. Bad Roberta had many opportunities to break things and blame the damage on Gerald. Also, Bad Roberta had broken all her toys long ago, and people knew better than to give her new ones. However, Gerald got lots of toys, and Bad Roberta had fun playing games like "how many bricks squash the doll" and "do board books burn?"

One Saturday Bad Roberta's mother took her aside. "Bad Roberta," she said "do you like having a baby brother?"
"Yes," said Bad Roberta, "he's icky and smelly."

No comments: