If Ancient Texts are Anything to Go By
The Black Goat of the Woods,
Shub-Niggurath, pranced obscenely through the red-litten clearing,
its worshippers copulating frenziedly beneath its myriad udders.
Soon, they would seize their obsidian knives and begin to slash at
one another in an ecstacy of sanguinary lust. Shub-Niggurath would
feast, but would take the best bits home for its Thousand Young.
Especially its favorite, Shubbie the 422nd.
The Vermilion Gopher of the Plains,
Aug'-Durlett, popped menacingly from one of its myriad holes. A nitid
effluent of its malevolence poured forth, blotting out the sun.
Traffic on I-70 came to a halt, and there was much rending of metal
and spilling of entrails. Aug'-Durlett's 230 Wives and 1973 Young
would eat well tonight in yellow-litten Yah-Squireel.
Hamstur the Unspeakable, Tawny Gerbil
of Doom, raced disturbingly upon the shrieking Wheel of Abomination.
The slumber of sensitive souls was disrupted across the globe by a
myriad ear-piercing squeaks, and even the mighty wizard Fak-bel
Knaplung vainly pressed its withered hands to its shockingly hairy
organs of audition.
The Ebon Cricket of the Sinister Bamboo
Palace, Shrikk the Inaudible, played upon its shockingly malformed
limbs a paean of charnel desecration and soul-destroying horror. Dogs
throughout east Asia howled in anguish, annoying the just and unjust
alike. Yabu Dabi-Tzhoo, Lord of Kay-Na'ein, lept through a foul
depiction in stained glass of the Vivisection of the Myriad, and
vanished from mortal ken, leaving behind an appalling stench.
Myriads flooded the streets as the
Sigil of Unpleasantness, alluded to in the Pleistocene Upchuktic
Manuscript, fulminated and was not consumed in the sky above
Lichtenstein. Interminable was the wailing and many were the
unattractive facial expressions manifested on the green-litten
visages of the unhappy Lichtensteiners, for they could feel the fat
profits from the tourist trade sublimating from their wallets, retail
establishments, and entertainment facilities in the abhorrent
effulgence discharged by the Lime-Green Sign.
Much was the inadvertent discharge of
bodily fluids and other organic substances as the myriad Calamari of
Chaos floated to the surface of the Pacific Ocean, broadcasting their
unhallowed and vile thoughts to all within line-of-sight and, after
nightfall, those reachable by reflection from the Heaviside layer.
As the human race, insignificant
pustule on the acne-scarred backside of Planet Dirt, wailed, moaned,
and perished, the Great Old Ones, including Retrievotep, He Who
Inexorably Returns, and Nemah-Toad, She Who Burrows Within, began to
feed.
And short-lived but heartfelt was the
lamentation engendered therefrom.
Publ. Daily Cabal, 2009
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