113017

Aliens Among Us

Landing secretly in major urban areas

all through the 50s & 60's

they look human to the nines

but, the young, especially, had problems with assimilation:

phone booth packing?

goldfish swallowing?

streaking?

all dead give-aways till humans copy-catted!

A few other clues:

The females' external genitalia

look just like human males'

but their “sperm” are clouds of fertilized eggs

thousands emitted at one go

the aliens reach sexual maturity about when humans do

but their gametes aren't fertile till at least age 35

thank god!

if their teens were fertile

we'd be up to our clavicles by now

how to tell an alien female from a human male

(without a microscope)

femmes, they're called

they never leave the toilet seat up

that's really the only way

their males now,

smaller than femmes (as in most species)

coincidentally resemble female humans

internal genitalia, enlarged mammaries, etc

their sperm are few, precious,

not to be spilled needlessly

we're talking really low sperm counts:

one; two at most

Anyhoo

each sperm can quicken scores of eggs

the lil guys contain no genetic material

none; that's not their job

genetic recombination occurs only among females

in rituals no human has yet witnessed

the aliens say, when pressed

“Humanity is not ready.”

All of this brouhaha takes place during copulation

the mechanics of which are mundane

which is to say: alien style—

no weirder than human style to the prurient

quite the else at a micro scale, however:

whole lotta shakin' going on, obv.*

Hitherto our four** species have coexisted amicably

(mauger the Isthmus Incident; look it up)

but signs & portents abound:

boatloads of jabbering clairvoyants & -audients

adrift on major rivers & lakes

Miss Emilie's Daily Astrological Reports (June 16-23 of last year)

assorted unexplained apparitions

unpredictable quakes

most telling of all:

fivethirtyeight.com's recently published correlations:

human & alien fads,

propensities, propinquities, & geographical parallelismae***

indicate the imminent quod erat demonstrandum that

humanity's done

by next year it'll be all over but the facebooking

well, at least they won't have to

redesign our bathroom signage much

his → hers

hers → his

done!

End

* Refer to Dr. Potab L. Ciwater's “Clinical Atlas of Non-Terrestrial Reproduction,” Editions VI or later, vols. 5-9.

** The aliens regard males & females as pairs of symbiotic species; they may be on to something.

***Principal Components Analysis, absurdly high correlations