020418

Heck Ain’t What It Used To Be

Turn him over, he’ll burn if you leave him like that. Once the flesh is entirely cooked there’s no more pain till it heals. Holy turd! I have to watch you every single minute. Can’t do a blessed thing right. No! Stick the sanctified fork INTO the belly, don’t stroke the perfect thing. Unbelievable. Look. Our purpose here is to cause suffering. If the clients get too happy, we get docked. You do not want to find out what a millennium in “the halo” is like. You’ve given the saintly ghost a blessed erection—what are you trying to do, breed them? Let me show you. OK. You hear that ululating cry? That indicates DISTRESS. With a “D”. What we’re here for. Riiiight. Now get busy, or I’ll give you a white mark.

*****

I tell you Beelzie, it is just impossible to get effective help these days. The latest crop of demons are the sorriest, tithing, do-good numbskulls I have ever encountered. Some of them are as dense as mortals. Not like when I was a boy. I mean, I was born knowing how to properly impale a client, you know what I’m saying? Tell me about it. These kids can’t even recognize the sharp end of a stake when it pokes them in the arse. Oh, I tell you, this place is going to paradise in a gold-plated chariot.