It Began With the Rhinos
Professor Zodiac didn't mean to
reanimate the entire zoo cemetery. He merely needed a couple of dead
rhinoceri.
The reanimation, fueled with the pulp
of countless PETA tracts, went off without a hitch. At least until
the elephants. They broke through the soil, spraying dirt clods
everywhere, and posing against the sky.
"Did I order elephants?" The
raised eyebrow. Chunk shook his head vehemently and hung his head.
He had always loved circus elephants.
"No, Master."
But then the tapir, the jaguarundi, the
koala and the meerkat, the gazelle and even the stately giraffe,
broke free of the ground and began staggering about, milky-eyed and
trembling. Professor Zodiac launched all of them, the hippopotamus,
the red panda, the giant tortoise, and even the penguins against the
Witch's stronghold.
The liches turned out to have
capabilities that they could only have dreamed of in their former
lives, if they could have dreamed of additional abilities. The
hippos could tunnel through wet earth. Pocket gophers could
teleport, although only into and out of pockets. The penguins could
fly. They were like giant flying fish, whizzing over the walls of
the Witch's castle, crashing through windows, or bouncing off
embrasures when they tried to go through arrow slits. Soon, the
professor was inside. He confronted the Witch in her audience
chamber.
"I want what's rightfully mine,"
he said. "I need the potions from my laboratory."
"You mean MY laboratory," she
snapped. "It was only your laboratory until I caught you
performing late-night experiments with that leggy intern from the
University. I have moved the facility to an isolated tower in the
Arctic Ocean. The tower is too smooth and too tall for climbing, and
is surrounded by hundreds of miles of sea ice. You will never get
in. I'll be wearing the laboratory smock in the family from now on."
"But I have to finish her
transformation," he protested. "Now she is neither fish
nor fowl, when she could be both." The Witch snorted.
"Should've thought of that while her pants were still on."
*
Eventually, the professor's army
returned to the graveyard and he departed. Afterwards, he pulled his
assistant aside.
"Chunk?"
"Yes, Master?"
"This is not the end."
"No, Master."
He leaned down to whisper in the
hunchback's ear. "We can do this. I have a foolproof plan.
But we'll need more penguins."
Publ. Daily Cabal, 2007
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