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Are you my mother?

Mama was reincarnated as a rhino last week. This really sucks. She won't fit through any of the doors, so she sleeps in the carport. I don't like hugging her now, because her skin is so hard and dry. It is like grandma's hands were last winter when she ran out of hand lotion – G-double r-gross! And, she can't drive me to soccer practice, so I have to wait for Leslie. She's so busy with her "singing career" (ha ha) she always forgets to pick me up and I get home late.

It was great though when Rodney was teasing me at the bus stop, pulling my hair and trying to pinch me. He makes me so mad! His arms are longer, so I can never pinch him back. But this time Mama came running across the road from our house. The ground was shaking and everything. Rodney wet his pants, when all she did was knock him down with the side of her head. When Selena's brother came back as a Jaguar, and some guy from Central High was bothering her, her brother ATE him. I mean, even ate his shoes. He is still locked up, but it was so worth it. The guy came back as a banana slug. What a loser!

Another time, a parade was going by and I couldn't see anything. She let me ride on her back and then I could see really well. There was a giraffe in the way. When she told it to move I thought they were going to fight and I was really scared. Giraffes are big!

But mostly it's a real pain. Like when we wanted to go to the drive-through at Wendy's, but Leslie didn't have any money and mom wasn't there because she doesn't fit in the car anymore. So all we had was leftover macaroni and cheese, and that is really yucky the second day. All she said was "you can cook if you don't like it."

If she dies, maybe she will come back as something cuddlier. I hope it happens soon.

070317

It Began With the Rhinos

Professor Zodiac didn't mean to reanimate the entire zoo cemetery. He merely needed a couple of dead rhinoceri.

The reanimation, fueled with the pulp of countless PETA tracts, went off without a hitch. At least until the elephants. They broke through the soil, spraying dirt clods everywhere, and posing against the sky.

"Did I order elephants?" The raised eyebrow. Chunk shook his head vehemently and hung his head. He had always loved circus elephants.

"No, Master."

But then the tapir, the jaguarundi, the koala and the meerkat, the gazelle and even the stately giraffe, broke free of the ground and began staggering about, milky-eyed and trembling. Professor Zodiac launched all of them, the hippopotamus, the red panda, the giant tortoise, and even the penguins against the Witch's stronghold.

The liches turned out to have capabilities that they could only have dreamed of in their former lives, if they could have dreamed of additional abilities. The hippos could tunnel through wet earth. Pocket gophers could teleport, although only into and out of pockets. The penguins could fly. They were like giant flying fish, whizzing over the walls of the Witch's castle, crashing through windows, or bouncing off embrasures when they tried to go through arrow slits. Soon, the professor was inside. He confronted the Witch in her audience chamber.

"I want what's rightfully mine," he said. "I need the potions from my laboratory."

"You mean MY laboratory," she snapped. "It was only your laboratory until I caught you performing late-night experiments with that leggy intern from the University. I have moved the facility to an isolated tower in the Arctic Ocean. The tower is too smooth and too tall for climbing, and is surrounded by hundreds of miles of sea ice. You will never get in. I'll be wearing the laboratory smock in the family from now on."

"But I have to finish her transformation," he protested. "Now she is neither fish nor fowl, when she could be both." The Witch snorted. "Should've thought of that while her pants were still on."

*

Eventually, the professor's army returned to the graveyard and he departed. Afterwards, he pulled his assistant aside.

"Chunk?"

"Yes, Master?"

"This is not the end."

"No, Master."

He leaned down to whisper in the hunchback's ear. "We can do this. I have a foolproof plan. But we'll need more penguins."

Publ. Daily Cabal, 2007