012619c

Pour on the juice, Scotty

"Another cup of tea please." Billingsgate leaned back in the command chair

and surveyed the bridge with steely blue eyes under bristly black brows

beneath a smooth, unlined forehead overshadowed by a shock of iron-grey

hair. Dead ahead: the Sun. Astern: the entire Glycymeris invasion fleet, in

hot pursuit. To his left: first officer Ramrod T. Robbins. To his right:

Galina Leonova, navigator. Behind him, Gunner Mac MacToole, chief engineer

Scotty Dirtbuns, and Pattycake McMuffin, concierge. In his pants: the crown

jewels. And in his cabin: Felina Venusia, Princess of Glycymeris and

trans-galactic love slave. Pattycake knelt beside the command chair, a

freshly brewed cup of Earl Grey tea in a bone-china cup on a bamboo platter

in her hands. Without looking away from the forward viewscreens,

Billingsgate took the tea. "Thank you, Patty" he murmured.

Robbins cleared his throat. "Sir?" Billingsgate nodded. "Sir, the sun is a

bit warm this time of year." Billingsgate said nothing. "When do you plan

to turn aside?" the first officer persisted.

Billingsgate smiled. "We shall not turn aside," he replied, "for if we did,

we would be instantly overtaken by the Glycymeris fleet."

"Why not return the Princess," Leonova asked, "is one pubescent octopoid

worth our lives?" There were murmurs of agreement from around the bridge.

Only Scotty was silent.

Billingsgate sighed. "I had wanted it to be a surprise, but Scotty whipped

up a hyperdrive for us last night. We will jump into the fourth dimension

and safely pass through the Sun, leaving the Glycymerans empty tendriled."

"But sir," Ramrod protested, "the fourth dimension is time, it is not a

spatial referent."

"Exactly," Billingsgate replied, eyes flashing, "we will pass through the

present location of the Sun, but at a time when the Sun is not there!"

"Brilliant, Sir." Leonova said admiringly.

"Good work, Scotty," MacToole ejaculated.

The Sun swelled in the view screen. The temperature rose on the bridge. And

rose. Sweat ran down Billingsgate's face and pooled on the floor, and still

he remained expressionless and motionless. The others began to fidget.

"The Glycymerans have turned aside Sir" Leonova announced.

"Now Scotty!" Billingsgate shouted, and the engineer pulled down a huge

violet lever that the others had not noticed previously. The sun vanished,

then reappeared, vastly larger than before. Pattycake McMuffin gasped.

Billingsgate wet his pants.

"Scotty!" he screamed.

"Sorry Sir," Scotty said, "forgot to carry an exponent apparently."

*Foom*