051617

The Burgers of Tindalos

The spell will be complete

when fries are burnt on an iron griddle

under the full moon

and the sacred crimson

ointment is spread upon the bodies

yea, the entire bodies,

of the faithful,

and a virgin pickle is dismembered

and consumed with relish,

only then, with the proper incantations,

will the Portal open

and the Chëeseburger

(all praise its name) return to us

from the bowels of the cosmos.

Iä, Iä, Chëeseburger!

Long may it rule!

That is not consumed which can yet return

and in strange eons even hearts may burn

                            (The mad chef Cardius Congestivus)

The end

Apologies to H P Lovecraft & Frank Belknap Long


Brushfires, 2010

020617b

Don't Cut The Mighty Cheese

Cheese sticks marketed themselves as the bones of the one true cheese. Nnonsensical on the face of it. Folks pointed out that cheese doesn't have bones. Ah, but the true cheese, the one true cheese, fervently whispered its adherents: bones out the wheel.

Sales of cheese sticks skyrocketed, but not their consumption. Soon the sticklers, as they were called, began threatening, even attacking, those who slaked their thirst for cheese on the bones of the one true cheese.

About this time, things got so hot that no cheese could remain in solid form. Even the sticks became flaccid. Worship dropped off precipitously.

Which just goes to show the old saying is true

We should all thank God for global warming!

121416

In Her Country, On Her Seas

When the ship sails into seas navigable only

by adherents of the Goddess,

When the waves dance and rear like the equines they have become,

And profane speech becomes dissonant music that burns the ear,

And the senses of smell and taste cannot be trusted,

So that we never eat when we’re in that place,

Then the hooded priestess emerges from her cabin

armed with a fuming censer and drawls:

“Let’s talk about that offering again, Captain”

And you know it’s

going to be a bad one.

This is one I wrote a long time ago. I think it was published somewhere before, but I don't have the records from that time accessible to me.