072323d

when I was young
I was a baby
I was dependent on everyone

as a young man
I took care of myself
never saw a doctor
tho I was still dependent
as we all are
on the infrastructure
of our society

but now, once again
I can't walk
and depend on others
and what I have to look forward to
I understand all too well
but I understand too
as when I was a baby
my best philosophy:
live for today

121921c

Exercise for Quads

Aerobics are out. I might be able to swing my arms hard enough and for long enough to get out of breath, but I don't want to imperil my rotator cuffs by using them as hard as would be required. I might need them to push a manual chair when my power chair goes down. So I've found several low-stress exercises that build strength. The simplest is to hold my arms out straight to the sides at shoulder height. I started doing that for one minute at a time, and have worked up to 7.5 minutes. Some days I do it twice. My ultimate goal is 10 minutes, but I seem to have reached a plateau. The second exercise is the same, but I do it wearing wrist weights. These velcro on, so I can put them on and take them off without undoing the velcro. I have some that weigh 3 pounds, and some that weigh 10 (~1.3 and 4.5 kg). I cannot yet hold my arms up for very long wearing these. Less effective are some isometric exercises that involve pushing or pulling on parts of my chair. One can also loop canvas or elastic straps over doorknobs, but it's inconvenient to either leave these in place or to store them any place I can reach. So I have a strap but don't use it.

020621

 

What the heck is wrong with people? I understand taking a job & finding out you don't really want it. Taking care of people in this country is disrespected in every way it can be. Starting off with the pay, which isn't enough to live on. This is why most of the people who take care of me also have other full-time jobs with benefits. I understand that. I also understand if you're sick, have car trouble, or have to take your grandmother to the hospital. Or whatever. But when you sign up to help me two or three times a week and you miss two thirds of the shifts, I've got to wonder. Do you have a permanent raincloud over your head following you around, or you thought you wanted the job but you don't really. In that case, your course is clear: quit. OMG! Don't keep saying you're going to come, and then call at five in the morning and say you can't. Day after day, week after week. I just don't get it.

102420

 

Since the accident, voice-recognition software is not the most magical invention that keeps me going, but sometimes it feels that way. I used to type about 75 words a minute. Now, I don't just type with one finger, but I type with my whole arm. My finger doesn't wiggle productively, so I actually have to move my arm like a single unit to hit a different key. Tiring! Good exercise? Maybe, but after typing 100 words or so I turn to Dragon NaturallySpeaking with love and grateful relief.

Is this why I tend to write very short poems? You decide:

very short poems
I turn to thee
when my arms tire

091020d

 

Life On Wheels

 

alone in the house

I felt less vulnerable 

walking home at 5

082120b

 

going up 

the slick ramp in a drizzle 

I think I can

072520

pulse of 40

holy crap that means

I'm dead

071220b

After the Accident

the terrible hours of the night

awake in hospital

paralyzed, alone

counting ceiling tiles

again and again

never getting the same answer twice

062020

Snuck into the office this morning, because no one is there on Saturday. I needed to pick up two books that had been left in there for me by the librarian. I decided to bring my desk calendar home. I haven't torn off a page since Friday, March 13, which was the last day I was there. All those Non Sequitur cartoons I have missed! I have a lot of catching up to do.

061320b

empty on Saturday

I sneak into the office

to pick up files

031020

my caregiver called me early this morning to tell me that she was going to be late because she had forgotten her phone. Just think about that for a minute. A phone that you carry with you? The need to always be in contact with people? She is old enough to remember when things were different, but my children are not. I remember waiting by a street light for 2 hours because my father forgot to come get me. But I also remember taking a long walk with some other people, none of whom were holding carcinogenic boxes to their ears and talking to other people in other places. I know. Old people talking about boring things. Good thing we have phones so we can find something interesting to do, even if it is just playing solitaire. Don't get me wrong, I am using my phone right now as an alternative to just lying in bed awake. But I like going places without it. Smell the flowers, and all that stuff.

012520b

hot winter sunlight
kisses the floorboards briefly
I migrate

011020b

waking up early
to my wife's alarm
stare at the ceiling

121219

Looks like I will be set free tomorrow. Free to get back to the usual day-to-day commotion of life. Free to work, or loaf in my own house. Free from four close walls. I'm going mobile.

121019

Day 6 in the hospital. I will probably be moved today from the ICU to a regular floor. One step closer to going home. All of these nurses are very good, and in this part of the hospital they have enough time to take good care of their patients. They have only two or three patients, plus all the paperwork! On the floor most nurses have eight or nine patients, which I know from experience of the patient side of the relationship is far too much.

I am still getting better, and have not yet run out of reading material. Like that would ever happen.

12071 9 c

When this nurse was born, my youngest daughter was six years old. The nurse has a baby and looks pretty darn young. we are both enjoying her learning about how to deal with someone in my condition. So that makes me feel virtuous and makes her a better nurse -- good for both of us.

100319b

When medical people order things for you without even telling you they are going to, this is annoying. When they are things you don't want, for reasons you could have given them, had they asked, it is very annoying. When it is an attempt to deal with equipment they provided, which has been malfunctioning for weeks because it is exceedingly poorly designed (something their service personnel admit to), well, it goes beyond very annoying.

062118b

can't feel my feet
didn't know my toes were dragging
I didn't need them

122317b

A dream

A real one, not a poem*

Last night I dreamed that my wife brought me a snack in bed. I dreamed that I ate part of it, but it was going be hard to eat the sandwich while lying flat. So I woke her up and asked her if she would raise up the head end of the bed (there was no controller within my reach). She pointed out that I wasn't in a hospital bed , and asked if I wanted extra pillows. Then I stayed awake for a good while worrying about whether I would knock the sandwich on the floor if I didn't eat it (it was on my chest) and whether I could try to eat it while lying completely flat, and whether if I just left it there till morning it would spoil. Later I fell asleep and it wasn't until I woke up again, at the usual time, that I realized there was no sandwich. There never had been.

These dreams, from which I awaken thinking they were real, started a few years ago. When I was in the hospital for 2 months, and came home taking some additional medications. Is that the cause? Hallucinations, disorientation, and confusion seem like unsurprising side effects of drug interactions (I take about 10 different prescription drugs). Something else is different about these dreams. In them, I am disabled (as irl), and they take place in something like the real world. Most of my dreams occur in settings that seem ordinary at first, but aren't. And in most of them, I'm my old self. These dreams are more amusing than disturbing, so far, but I guess that could change.

I can only remember having a dream that I confused with reality one time (before the last few years). It happened decades ago. I dreamed that single-edge razor blades with edges that were only one molecule thick had been invented. I woke up thinking that was a really cool thing, and it took at least five or 10 minutes to realize that it was just a dream loosely based on a story by Larry Niven.


*This probably makes a lot more sense if you know I am a quadriplegic.